eating disorder recovery
Some excellent articles showed up in my RSS feed today and I wanted to share them with you….
Happy Reading.
Not Leaving Recovery ‘Til It’s Too Late
Recovered Anorexic Mom Gives Thanks For Baby Boy
Eating Disorders Affect Relationships
What Nobody Ever Tells You – Eating Disorders and Dieting
Operation Eleanor has come to an end… so why are there so many scary things to face still?! (I guess that wasn’t how it worked).
I am out of steam, exhausted from lack of sleep and over-thinking the things I am facing this week and beyond.
Today I get the key to my new place – and that is scary.
I have also been crunching some numbers and THAT is scary.
After 3 kids got over being sick last week, Ainsley is now really sick and the timing couldn’t be worse.
All I really want to do is lay in bed and sleep with her – but that isn’t an option because of how much needs to be done and the twins of course – never-ending energy between those two.
I am trying not to crash these next few days and that is scary.
I loved this challenge and I will do a full recap from the other side.
The dreaded weigh-in. I had my regular appointment with my eating disorder specialist and I almost canceled because I was dreading stepping on that scale. I have been having horrible stress-induced stomachaches and I feel very bloated and just did NOT want to know my weight. But as scary as it is, I know that it is a necessary part of my recovery right now. I welcome the day when stepping on that scale has very little impact on me whatsoever.
I had a lot more to say… yea… a lot more, but my eyes are heavy and I have a long day ahead of me.
“Lubrano Out” *drops mic and walks off stage
Wow, Did I really miss that many days? It’s been …. busy here to say the least.
But I apologize on being silent – trust that I still did something scary everyday.
Ahhhh Turkey Day – I don’t want to giveaway any trade secrets but Thanksgiving – not a favorite holiday of the eating disordered. I woke up early (after only get 2 hours of sleep) and did the Turkey Trot (I think every city has one of these – a 5k on Thanksgiving morning) – I was really pleased with my time considering I haven’t been running as much lately. And when I took the kids to my sister’s for dinner, I ate and didn’t feel that familiar urging to find an escape route to the bathroom. So aside from the stress of having the kids behave at someone else’s house, Thanksgiving turned out alright.
I had to sit with a lot of uncomfortableness. The kids are bored and hyper without the routine of school and I was stressed because I wanted to be packing and getting organized – but that was not going to happen. So I just sat with it. And at the end of the day I went to a late movie by myself – which was exactly what I needed (The Descendants - highly recommend).
I bought a television… let me tell you why this is scary. It’s for the new place – so that in itself is scary, but it costs more than $5. I do not like spending a lot of money – yes, I got a great deal since you know I kind of have a thing about that – but it still gives me bad anxiety.
I took all 4 kids to a movie by myself. It went really well, but I was nervous that it would end in disaster and a parking lot meltdown like last time. And I have felt ill and nauseous from anxiety all day but I still ate all of my meals because I was hungry.
I have also been working on using my voice, not allowing myself to be bullied, and not allowing someone to tell me how I feel (I know how I feel, what with my feelings originating from inside of me and all;)
So tonight I will be organizing my lists and plans for this week and the move – undoubtedly one of the most important weeks of my life the past few years.
I am feeling very grateful to Undomestic Diva for initiating Operation Eleanor – I have gained so much from doing this.
I took all 4 kids to the mall during one of the busiest shopping weeks of the year – that counts as scary right?!
(Thanks Marisa for going with me!!)
Aside from that, more scary conversations around money and I bought a couch from a stranger on Craig’s List – who turned out to be a very nice lady.
And last night I managed to temporarily fix the fridge – water was flooding out from underneath the fridge and making it nice and … well, WET! in the kitchen.
Anxiety is high, emotions are high – must be the holidays.
Here is a list of ideas to help people with eating disorders survive the Holidays.
And here is a general list of ways to cope in times of stress – always helpful!
I have a lot to be thankful for this year and now I am going to try and find a quiet space in this house to reflect on that.
This is a tough week for me – for a lot of reasons. Every time this year I am weighed down (no pun intended), with some memories I’d rather forget. And to add to the resurgence of emotions that have come flooding back, as a result of brain and muscle memory, I have to finish packing up the house and tying up lose ends so the kids and I can move next week.
It’s also around this time of year that I think about forgiveness. And sometimes, forgiving, can be very scary. It means not being able to hide behind the fact that you feel “wronged,” and taking responsibility for how you choose to live your life and what thoughts you allow to take up space in your head.
All of the kids are sick (fingers-crossed they are better in time for Thanksgiving) and I am drained. This would be a great time for some magic wand to come through and pack up all of my stuff. (And I mean ALL of my stuff).
How did Operation Eleanor go so quickly?!
Operation Eleanor has been so eye-opening – not that I wouldn’t have been dealing with all of this “scary” stuff this month anyways – but to have to put pen to paper, brings a new level of awareness.
The kids had a TON of questions today (okay, mainly just Talia) and while scary to answer some of them, it’s fascinating to see how their minds work.
Also scary, my level of rage at Verizon right now. So have to cut it short tonight because I need to find my passport so I can speak to these people face-to-face and by “speak,” I mean, punch. Also, will be finding a new high-speed internet service provider. (Here’s where I stomp my feet like the twins do when they are mad, because I am so sick of making customer service phone calls in relation to this move).
Day 18 – the mortgage company – I am not a fan of any customer service-y calls but this takes the cake.
Day 19 – telling the kids – went far better than I could ever have imagined.
This momma is tired.
But all is well.
“Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.” Japanese Proverb
And isn’t that the truth – most of what we are afraid of is in response to how large we have built it up to be in our heads. And the reality is, it’s never as bad as we have imagined it would be.
Just for fun… here’s some of my other writing on the good ole’ world wide web…
Cash Back Sites – just in time for holiday shopping
Celebrity Role Models – just by accident they all ended up being females…
Celebrity Wife Swap – I don’t want to go so far as to say I was making a prediction regarding the Kardashians but…
Enjoy and share!
*Part of recovery is finding something you love doing it and enjoying it – free from the burden of addiction – mine is writing – what’s your hobby?
Tick tock, tick tock….
Scary – I bought a mattress today – I do NOT like spending money (well and it’s part of the *future*).
We are telling the kids this weekend… my guess is my fear of that doesn’t match what their reaction will be. They will never doubt who much they are loved.
Also scary – the cat scratched Ainsley – BAD – and I let him out on the porch (remember what happens when he is on the porch) and I am a little scared he won’t come back this time.
I am so tired of being sad and anxious. My body has hit another wall – so I am heading to bed. Hard to face scary things on no sleep after all.
