I am not feeling well. And the twins are sick – beginning of the school year typical stuff I assume. But when I am sick, I am always a tad more introspective. I realized it’s coming up on 2 years since I started recovery – also known as 2 years since I downed a bottle of Xanax after drinking in hopes to … I don’t know, I still don’t… stop the pain I guess. 15 years of being bulimic and anorexic can take it’s toll on a person. It’s also been almost a year since the kids and I left my marital home. I thought I was handling all of it okay, but I am not so sure now. Maybe it hit home more after the exhausting legal process was over in May. Or maybe it’s because Fall holds a lot of uncomfortable anniversaries of sorts for me. Or maybe it’s because the holidays are coming. No matter the reason – I feel like I am walking through a fog. Most days I would rather just stay in bed. When my ex has the kids, I mostly spend the day shut in the house. I don’t want to see anyone or do anything – not so much that I am isolating as that I am exhausted. Exhausted on every level. I don’t remember being this tired since I gave birth to Talia after a very long and painful labor. When the kids are in school, I try and sit down at my laptop to write for the sites I freelance for, but often I end up in tears or start frantically cleaning – as if I could earn my “housewife” status back by spit-shinning everything (I feel like there is a joke there, but I am not in a joking mood).
There was a point to this and it is – regardless of the severe depression I am trudging through right now (yes, I am seeing a doctor), there is no part of me that wants to go back to starving myself or purging on a regular basis. I am human, I slip up every once in a while – but I have no desire to go back to that way of life. It was miserable, a death sentence and in the end, it never served me in a positive way – no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it worked.
No matter what you are going through in your life, put your recovery first – you cannot take care of your family if you don’t take care of yourself first.
In other news, I found out this week that my friend Amber’s baby boy has cancer – Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. She and I went to high school together but reconnected the past 2 years when her other son and my twins were in the same preschool. As a mother, I can only begin to imagine the horror she is facing. I can barely stand to watch my kids when they have a cold or the stomach flu. I know not everyone is in the position to donate – but even if you cannot do that – read about Hudson and send some positive energy, prayers and love their way. Here is the Facebook page dedicated to Hudson and here is the link to the fundraising page.