November 30, 2011
Operation Eleanor has come to an end… so why are there so many scary things to face still?! (I guess that wasn’t how it worked).
I am out of steam, exhausted from lack of sleep and over-thinking the things I am facing this week and beyond.
Today I get the key to my new place – and that is scary.
I have also been crunching some numbers and THAT is scary.
After 3 kids got over being sick last week, Ainsley is now really sick and the timing couldn’t be worse.
All I really want to do is lay in bed and sleep with her – but that isn’t an option because of how much needs to be done and the twins of course – never-ending energy between those two.
I am trying not to crash these next few days and that is scary.
I loved this challenge and I will do a full recap from the other side.
Photo Credit
Posted in 12 steps, anorexia, Bulimia, divorce, eating disorder recovery, Gratitude, Parenting, Recovery, Writing |
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November 28, 2011
The dreaded weigh-in. I had my regular appointment with my eating disorder specialist and I almost canceled because I was dreading stepping on that scale. I have been having horrible stress-induced stomachaches and I feel very bloated and just did NOT want to know my weight. But as scary as it is, I know that it is a necessary part of my recovery right now. I welcome the day when stepping on that scale has very little impact on me whatsoever.
I had a lot more to say… yea… a lot more, but my eyes are heavy and I have a long day ahead of me.
“Lubrano Out” *drops mic and walks off stage
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Posted in 12 steps, anorexia, Bulimia, divorce, eating disorder recovery, Gratitude, Recovery, Uncategorized, Writing |
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November 23, 2011
I took all 4 kids to the mall during one of the busiest shopping weeks of the year – that counts as scary right?!
(Thanks Marisa for going with me!!)
Aside from that, more scary conversations around money and I bought a couch from a stranger on Craig’s List – who turned out to be a very nice lady.
And last night I managed to temporarily fix the fridge – water was flooding out from underneath the fridge and making it nice and … well, WET! in the kitchen.
Anxiety is high, emotions are high – must be the holidays.
Here is a list of ideas to help people with eating disorders survive the Holidays.
And here is a general list of ways to cope in times of stress – always helpful!
I have a lot to be thankful for this year and now I am going to try and find a quiet space in this house to reflect on that.
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November 22, 2011
This is a tough week for me – for a lot of reasons. Every time this year I am weighed down (no pun intended), with some memories I’d rather forget. And to add to the resurgence of emotions that have come flooding back, as a result of brain and muscle memory, I have to finish packing up the house and tying up lose ends so the kids and I can move next week.
It’s also around this time of year that I think about forgiveness. And sometimes, forgiving, can be very scary. It means not being able to hide behind the fact that you feel “wronged,” and taking responsibility for how you choose to live your life and what thoughts you allow to take up space in your head.
All of the kids are sick (fingers-crossed they are better in time for Thanksgiving) and I am drained. This would be a great time for some magic wand to come through and pack up all of my stuff. (And I mean ALL of my stuff).
How did Operation Eleanor go so quickly?!
Order a print of the image above
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November 20, 2011
Operation Eleanor has been so eye-opening – not that I wouldn’t have been dealing with all of this “scary” stuff this month anyways – but to have to put pen to paper, brings a new level of awareness.
The kids had a TON of questions today (okay, mainly just Talia) and while scary to answer some of them, it’s fascinating to see how their minds work.
Also scary, my level of rage at Verizon right now. So have to cut it short tonight because I need to find my passport so I can speak to these people face-to-face and by “speak,” I mean, punch. Also, will be finding a new high-speed internet service provider. (Here’s where I stomp my feet like the twins do when they are mad, because I am so sick of making customer service phone calls in relation to this move).
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November 19, 2011
Day 18 – the mortgage company – I am not a fan of any customer service-y calls but this takes the cake.
Day 19 – telling the kids – went far better than I could ever have imagined.
This momma is tired.
But all is well.
“Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.” Japanese Proverb
And isn’t that the truth – most of what we are afraid of is in response to how large we have built it up to be in our heads. And the reality is, it’s never as bad as we have imagined it would be.
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November 17, 2011
Tick tock, tick tock….
Scary – I bought a mattress today – I do NOT like spending money (well and it’s part of the *future*).
We are telling the kids this weekend… my guess is my fear of that doesn’t match what their reaction will be. They will never doubt who much they are loved.
Also scary – the cat scratched Ainsley – BAD – and I let him out on the porch (remember what happens when he is on the porch) and I am a little scared he won’t come back this time.
I am so tired of being sad and anxious. My body has hit another wall – so I am heading to bed. Hard to face scary things on no sleep after all.
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November 14, 2011
Today was a high threat level for anxiety. Scary because soon we have to tell the kids what is happening. I’m scared of their reactions, I’m scared of what they will feel. I want them to know how much they are loved and that nothing changes that.
I plan on ordering some books tomorrow that were recommended to help them process the information (or maybe I’ll go to an actual book store and buy them – I have gotten so used to ordering books from amazon that I forget they still have actual brick and mortar book stores).
Also scary- real estate- did I say that already? (it’s worth repeating).
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November 10, 2011
“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
All of today was scary – the end.
Oh okay… that’s a cop out. I’d say I am 35% packed thanks to some great friends who gave up there free time this morning to help me.
You know what else is scary? Real estate.
You know what else is scary? Realizing how strong my fear of gaining weight still is. That is something I for sure need to spend some time journaling on tonight.
Operation Eleanor has turned out to be a lot more eye-opening than I expected.
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November 9, 2011
If this challenge is teaching me anything, it’s that I have to continue to use my voice and keep my energy sacred. Being a mother is one of the most draining (and rewarding) jobs on earth and having to, you know, be a functioning adult on top of that takes a lot out of a person.
Today I had more scary conversations and tended to some details that couldn’t be ignored.
I also took all 4 kids to the dentist – Talia needed one of her baby teeth pulled since the adult tooth was almost completely descended. I have taken all four of them to the dentist before but not at the end of a long day when everyone is already cranky and also not when one of them need a tooth yanked out of their mouth. Talia was a champ. She was skeptical (as always) and a tad anxious – but our dentist is amazing and kept her calm the whole time. I made sure that the other kids stayed firmly in the waiting room because there was NO WAY I would have ever gotten them back to the dentist if they had seen the size of that needle or the actual tooth removal.
Either way this tooth fairy needs to go to bed.
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