November 27, 2011
Wow, Did I really miss that many days? It’s been …. busy here to say the least.
But I apologize on being silent – trust that I still did something scary everyday.
Ahhhh Turkey Day – I don’t want to giveaway any trade secrets but Thanksgiving – not a favorite holiday of the eating disordered. I woke up early (after only get 2 hours of sleep) and did the Turkey Trot (I think every city has one of these – a 5k on Thanksgiving morning) – I was really pleased with my time considering I haven’t been running as much lately. And when I took the kids to my sister’s for dinner, I ate and didn’t feel that familiar urging to find an escape route to the bathroom. So aside from the stress of having the kids behave at someone else’s house, Thanksgiving turned out alright.
I had to sit with a lot of uncomfortableness. The kids are bored and hyper without the routine of school and I was stressed because I wanted to be packing and getting organized – but that was not going to happen. So I just sat with it. And at the end of the day I went to a late movie by myself – which was exactly what I needed (The Descendants - highly recommend).
I bought a television… let me tell you why this is scary. It’s for the new place – so that in itself is scary, but it costs more than $5. I do not like spending a lot of money – yes, I got a great deal since you know I kind of have a thing about that – but it still gives me bad anxiety.
I took all 4 kids to a movie by myself. It went really well, but I was nervous that it would end in disaster and a parking lot meltdown like last time. And I have felt ill and nauseous from anxiety all day but I still ate all of my meals because I was hungry.
I have also been working on using my voice, not allowing myself to be bullied, and not allowing someone to tell me how I feel (I know how I feel, what with my feelings originating from inside of me and all;)
So tonight I will be organizing my lists and plans for this week and the move – undoubtedly one of the most important weeks of my life the past few years.
I am feeling very grateful to Undomestic Diva for initiating Operation Eleanor – I have gained so much from doing this.
November 15, 2011
Operation Eleanor is half way done?! What?! Feel like I was just getting started;)
So here’s the rub gang. I am been skirting around the biggest fear this whole time. I have tackled fears surrounding this topic but without actually having to use the word. And it didn’t really dawn on me until my aunt asked me tonight why I was moving… “Oh, right, I am going to have to tell people.”
I am getting a divorce.
Or rather *we* are getting a divorce. Long-time coming. Is what it is. (Throw some other cliches in there). I don’t really want to discuss the details of it all – that’s not fair to Bill, or myself frankly. But I do think it needs to be noted on this blog – and not just for the scary Operation Eleanor Challenge – but because part of recovery means being an adult and make the right choices for yourself and your family – even when they are very hard to make.
But the really scary part is still to come … telling the kids. Just because I think this is the best thing for them (for all of us) doesn’t mean they will interrupt it as such right off the bat.
I know in my heart we will all be okay – but it’s really hard reminding myself that every day.
November 13, 2011
Oh, Operation Eleanor people, blog readers…. I DO NOT LIKE SITTING WITH DISCOMFORT. I get it, I really do – I have read the books (ask my sponsor – I have read all the books, I have heard the 12 step cliches (I don’t like calling them cliches, because they are all true). BUT I still hate sitting with discomfort – allowing it to fully wash over me and experiencing everything that comes with the discomfort because I know there is a lesson there – no discomfort is pointless after all – doesn’t mean I have to love it though. (You know what I do love? Parentheses and dashes).
So that’s what I have been doing – sitting with the discomfort that is the reality of the situation. Scary. As. Hell.
Photo – little comic relief for you. How great was Mark Wahlberg in this movie?! “Nicole 4 Eva!”
November 11, 2011
Today (Day 11 of Operation Eleanor) was long – started with uncomfortable conversations but those have been pretty commonplace lately. Starting the day with tears streaming down my face after a conversation isn’t really setting myself up for success.
The scary part was that the twins and I were out of the house ALL DAY while the girls were in school. I really do try and limit the length of time I subject them to errands etc to save their sanity and mine – but I wanted a distraction and had things that needed to be done, so off we went. Right off the bat, Addison tripped and fell while we were dropping the girls off at school and Jack smacked his head into a metal pole as we were walking back to the car (that place is dangerous!!). I realize this is sounding trivial and I am not doing a good enough job of painting a mental picture of what it is like to run errands (even the simplest of errands) with 2 very energetic 3-year-olds and one mother who is prone to panic attacks. We survived the 5 hour marathon- did not accomplish as much as I would have if I had gone alone - but that’s okay.
Life has been pretty scary lately, but surprisingly, I end up still in one piece at the end of the day.
November 4, 2011
Well the Universe seems to be getting a kick out of this 30-day challenge, because early this evening I had to venture out into the cavernous forest (read: nature preserve) behind my house to chase the recently-declawed cat (read: bastard), who decide to shimmy out of the screen into the woods (read: run for his life from the screaming kids). The evil back woods of my house contains lots of hanging spiderwebs, shin-high weeds and grass, filled with hissing snakes (or my overactive imagination), and bugs – potentially ticks!! I quickly decided to run to the garage and change out of my uniform flip-flops into my old snow boots and then just dove right into that jungle. The cat, as I described to Amy (who I had to call to distract myself), was running and leaping through the air – blissed-out on the new taste of freedom – much like a 17-year-old boy his first week at college. Tony the cat, scoffed at my shaking of the bag of treats. We played a rousing game of chase for about 30 minutes, while the kids had their noses pressed to the screen trying (unsuccessfully) to muffle their dramatic wailing. Had it not been for their tears and then chanting “God, please save Tony! God, please save Tony! GOD PLEASE SAVE TONY” I would have just left his ass in the woods (I know that Talia came up with the chanting bit from Wizards of Waverly Place episode when Alex mixes Justin up with the duplicate she made of him and dulicate Justin is a hippie not an Alex-P-Keaton-do-gooder, and he rallies the school “chanting makes it important! chanting makes it important!). Did I mention the dangling vines (which could have been snakes) covered in spider webs and their egg sacks filled with their little spider babies?! So I am freezing and itchy and my self-diagnose poison ivy and Tony is leaping through the woods like he’s invincible, but all of a sudden he just jauntily runs back over to the screen door and came inside. Guess we will be REALLY fixing the screen tomorrow, not just taping the hole.
I had a point here… Oh yeah, I had to face my intense fear of snakes (the bugs I don’t mind so much) to rescue that cat for the kids. Mom to the rescue.
Now I need to go check myself for ticks.
November 3, 2011
Day 3 of Operation Eleanor and I tackled another fun task. I. Asked. For. Help. …. yep, from humans. I don’t love it. Nope. Never been good at asking for help. I always struggle with 2 opposing forces: 1. the need to be completely and utterly self-sufficient, needing no one’s help and succeeding by my own devices; and 2. making sure people don’t forget about me over here floundering and needing help. This phenomenon is similar to when one of my 3-year-old twins wants to do something “by myself!!!!!” but then come crawling back for help when they get stuck.
So yeah, help. I asked for it. Scary but worth noting – I have some amazing friends and I feel deep gratitude to have them in my life.
Also, upon Amy’s suggestion, I must mention that I had to stick my hand down the sink drain into the disposal because something was clearly stuck as I was doing the dishes. Like sticking your hand in the mouth of an alligator … with a mouth full of muddy water? Either way, it’s gross and scary (also worth noting – I have to do this all the time – but still scary).
ALSO (Woah, slow down, it’s only Day 3! You don’t want to run out of scary things!), I dealt with some paperwork that needed to be dealt with. The crazy thing is that about an hour ago, I noticed that Leah did the same thing for Day 3 – well I don’t think she stuck her hand in the disposal.