December 31, 2011
I don’t care for New Year’s Resolutions – I think they are a set up for failure. I do believe in goal setting – and I only have one main goal for 2012: Get Back on Track.
Most days I wake up in a confused haze (no, not from a night of drinking) and instantly start “putting out fires” (small, child-sized and child-created fires that just keep coming and coming and coming). And by the end of the day, I am so bent out of shape that even if I remembered how to relax, I cannot.
I have dreams and ambitions- some of those dreams and ambitions involve my hopes for each of the children and the lives they will create and some are just my own. Some dreams I have had since childhood and I carry them around in a special pocket in my mind with the thought that “one day…” But I am too tired to follow through on any of them. This is no way to live (and in my opinion, it’s not why I was given a second chance after last year’s … suicide attempt – I always try and make that into some funny phrase or word, but there really isn’t anything funny about it). I have given many, many years over to my eating disorder and now I feel like I am giving up what could be some of the best years of mine and the kids’ lives (I mean, the kids still think I know everything! That won’t last much longer;) to the exhaustion of motherhood.
So to get back on track I plan on STICKING TO MY BOUNDARIES. I have GOT to figure out how to say NO more often. And I need to figure out how to get more QUIET TIME ALONE to just breathe. There are so many days where I can’t actually find any quiet unless it’s in the shower with the door shut – but even then I can still hear some sort of chaos breaking out just beyond the bathroom door. I also need to find a way to work in more yoga, it makes me feel so much better but it has not been in the money or time budget lately (and if you have ever tried to do yoga in the living room with 4 kids trying to run through your down dog, then you know it is far from relaxing).
Well I used up my free moment and now the twins are having another he said/she said argument that must be dealt with.
Here’s hoping all of you find inner peace in 2012.
November 2, 2011
Here we are at day two of Operation Eleanor and I have bitten off a large chunk of uncomfortable conversations. But that’s not really newsworthy – since I stated yesterday that I had some uncomfortable conversations on my horizon.
The larger battle today (well as far as doing the things that scare you go) was that I did a mini 4th Step inventory – mainly focusing around my fears. That’s the fun thing about the 12 steps – you are never really done with them!! Now you may be saying to yourself , “what’s so scary about that?” HA. Go ahead and give it a try for one, and for two, I have been avoiding it. I knew some of my old fears, and the patterns that come up around those fears, had reared their head again and needed to be reflected on – but I managed to build up a fear of even doing that! So today I sat down and made a list. Now of course that didn’t necessarily eliminate them (wouldn’t that be nice), but it certainly sheds some light on the right issues. Am I rambling yet? Hot yoga was a beast tonight – Lubrano out.
October 11, 2011
I know I have mentioned it before, but it’s worth repeating.
I find yoga to be an incredible tool for eating disorder recovery.
Now let’s of course acknowledge the fact that, depending on your “drug” of choice when it comes to an eating disorder, exercise (of any kind) might be something you need to lay off of for a while when you first start recovery – or if you see yourself begin to fall back into an addictive pattern of exercise.
That being said, I find yoga to be great at providing balance (duh) and an opportunity to just get out of your head for a while. This comes up at EDA meetings a lot – how sometimes we just need to get out of our own heads long enough to get some perspective or break the negative thought pattern. And yoga is the perfect way to achieve this because I can assure you, if you are in a good class with a great teacher, you aren’t going to be able to think about anything but exactly what you are doing at that moment. Everyone needs practice staying present – yoga will give you lots of practice.
It also gives the opportunity to be gentle with yourself. I have been doing hot yoga the past few months – when I can make it. Sometimes I can do every pose without needing an extra break or to splash cold water on myself. And sometimes I cannot, and that’s okay – at the end of the day, I still took some time to myself and made an attempt at centering myself and I was present in that yoga room instead of trapped inside my own head and nasty self-talk.
If you are local, I HIGHLY recommend Pure Yoga and Fitness off of 580 in Clearwater.
If you are not, check out some of your local studios – and also check out some of Tara Stiles videos or books.
Before each yoga class I say to my body and mind, “infinite love and gratitude.” Something I learned from my over-the-phone chiropractor in Hawaii – but that’s a story for another day.
October 10, 2011
Sometimes I am really good at going through the motions and putting on a brave face. And some days … some days suck any remaining hope or faith right out of each and every cell in my body until I am left feeling deflated and drained and useless. And that’s when the voice creeps back in… without hope and faith, there is plenty of room for ED to come back in and make himself comfortable. “You’re worthless and what right do you have to be happy? So let’s just go back to our old ways; remember how good we were together?”
I haven’t been able to workout in a while – one thing or another has gotten in the way and that has me incredibly stressed (well, that and all the other big life stuff happening here) – not being able to swim, run or do yoga really takes it’s toll on me. So tomorrow I am going for a long walk on the Causeway (Tuesday – so I will have those few precious hours where all 4 kids are in school). I just need to take a full breath and be still (well not literally still, since I will be walking and all… stay with me). I had a lot more written but it vanished due to some mysterious internet-y thing. On that note, going to try and sleep.
August 2, 2011
Ha. Tricked you. This is not a post about spin Class. Actually, now that I think of it, I am not a fan of spin class – I already move super fast (physically and mentally) and something about being trapped in a small room and yelled at doesn’t mesh with me (I know, I know, I am generalizing spin class). However, I will be stuck in a hot room for Yoga. Yoga and I had a intense connection a few years ago and then I turned my head in favor of … oh I don’t know … birthing more children I guess. A friend told me about a new place, not far from me that offered hot yoga and I am in love all over again. You see, I have been spinning my wheels lately (see what I did there?) and I needed something, anything, to allow me to sllllooooowwwww done and be present. Not an easy task for a mother of four balancing a million different - spinning plates if you will? (Okay, I’ll stop with the spinning). Hot Yoga gives you no choice but to be present and focus on what you are doing right at that moment – not planning the future, worrying about the future or obsessing on the past – just concentrated breathing and movement. I am so grateful for the suggestion my friend gave me. And I am eager for class tonight – see there I go, not living in the present again.
What tricks/methods/magic does everyone else use to stay present in the moment?
December 4, 2010
Well the hour is up (and then some). I was interrupted a few times by Jack, with various “emergencies.” And then I saw I had a few texts that I needed to answer and then I had to pee and well, I think I got a solid half hour in – But I DO feel more relaxed!
December 4, 2010
Really stressful day here. Bill is really sick with the stomach flu and the kids are AMPED up – which I am a little grateful for because that means they feel better, was just hoping for Bill’s help today. I had to miss my 5K Run this morning due to the ever-present stomach flu and I didn’t get to workout at all. I have also been up since 2 am so I am a little on edge.
But I have decided to try something new to calm down… YOGA. Well, it’s not new, I love yoga – have for years, I just can’t do it at home – too many distractions. Normally, on a day like today I would find something to eat so I could then throw it up and then I would do some online shopping for stuff I don’t need. Instead of those old habits that just aren’t serving me anymore, I am going to take my yoga mat and go into the backyard (kids are napping) and set the timer for one hour and I am gonna yoga it up. I am going to ignore the mess in the kitchen, laundry, the toys in the living room and I will NOT sweep the porch and wash the patio furniture. All of those chores, while useful in their own right, only serve to fuel my perfectionistic behavior. Right now I know I need to be nice to myself and breathe really deeply.
So I will report back in an hour on whether or not I was able to stay focused or whether life’s many distractions got in the way.